If 2010 made you feel like you wanted to hide in a closet and bury yourself under all the coats, then you were probably just trying to escape the storm of sleaze hurled this year by some of entertainment's finest — or maybe you were just the woman Charlie Sheen called for that infamous late-night hookup.
Either way, 2010 may have been Hollywood's nadir
year: Mad Mel raged again; "Cheaters" could have done a whole
celebrity season with plenty to spare for next year; and Kanye was ... well,
Kanye. And when the most promising newcomer is a glamorous yet sassy young
thing named Antoine Dodson whose song about his sister's attempted rape made
him a YouTube star, it's time to call it a day, hit the reset button and hope
for a lot better in 2011.
Here's what made us want to hide the kids, hide the
wife ... and hide our husbands, too, in 2010.
DROPPING THE BOMB: Any chance that Jesse James had
at forgiveness after he cheated on America's Sweetheart, Sandra Bullock, and
ruined her Oscar glow were destroyed when we saw who he was cheating with —
Michelle "Bombshell" McGee, better known as Ms. March in the
"Tattooed Nazi" calendar. She kind of made us nostalgic for Tiger
Woods' mistresses. Rachel Uchitel, where are you when we need you?
DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND: Even if they're
a gift from a villainous dictator, apparently. Naomi Campbell was forced to
testify at the war-crimes trial of former Liberian President Charles Taylor
after it was revealed that he had given the temperamental model several raw
diamonds as a gift after a party (because that's just what dictators do). After
some questionable testimony, there seemed to be a chance that Campbell could be
charged with perjury — but apparently a threat of a Blackberry to the head
resulted in changing some minds.
SHE'S JUST BEING MILEY: And being Miley these days
includes drinking, giving men lap dances, wearing barely there outfits and
smoking on a bong. Can she please go back to being Hannah Montana again?
EQUAL OPPORTUNITY OFFENDER: He didn't get a Grammy
nomination, but you'd better believe that Mel Gibson had the best recording of
2010 — with producer's credit going to ex-girlfriend and baby mama Oksana
Grigorieva. Just when we were beginning to forget about his 2006 verbal rampage
against Jews, women and gays, Gibson proved he had more hate to share, this
time railing against blacks, Mexicans and Grigorieva in telephone calls so
terrifying they would make Mad Max race out of the Thunderdome. Grigorieva also
accused Gibson of punching her, but he flatly denied it — saying he only
slapped her. FYI, Mel, that defense didn't work too well for Chris Brown ...
THERE'S A (KLAN) PARTY IN MY PANTS! John Mayer
explained his exclusivity in dating those of the Caucasian persuasion by
telling Playboy that while his heart was a Benetton ad, his genitalia were the
spitting image of uber-racist David Duke. So THAT's what sent Jennifer Aniston
and Taylor Swift running.
THE BLOOM IS OFF THE ROSE: Usually, it takes years
of marriage for a couple to get to the point where they're sniping at each
other, withholding sex, throwing around emotional abuse claims and getting into
screaming matches. It only took one episode for Jake Pavelka and Vienna
Girardi, who marked the end of their "Bachelor" courtship in
spectacular fashion with the kind of blowup that usually ends with the
pronouncement "You ARE the father!" on "Maury." Forget
"The Bachelor"; "The Breakup" is WAY more entertaining.
ZANTAC CAN'T HELP WITH THIS ONE: Stay away from the
Plaza Hotel, people: Apparently, something inside of it caused Charlie Sheen to
hook up with a porn star, strip down naked, go on a rampage, destroy furniture
while hurling the N-word around and get hospitalized. Sheen's reps blamed his
behavior — which happened while his ex-wife and little girls were on the same
floor in another room — on an allergic reaction and apparently, CBS bought it,
because they took no action against the "Two and a Half Men" star.
Somewhere, Mel Gibson is getting ready for another allergy attack.
NEXT TIME, TRY SINGING THE CEE LO SONG, LINDSAY: In
one of the more ill-advised moves of her ill-advised life, Lindsay Lohan
decided to get a manicure with the message "(Expletive) You" painted
on her nails. Funny — if she wasn't heading to court on a probation violation.
Perhaps another message would have been better: "Plea bargain."
MAYBE TEEN MOM NEEDS TO ADD A DANCING COMPONENT:
Even though Bristol Palin proved she was part of the Rhythmless Nation on
"Dancing With the Stars," Americans still fell in love with her,
keeping her on the show and casting aside other more worthy opponents such as
Brandy. Some credited Tea Party supporters for all the Palin love, but maybe it
was the gun Mama Palin was packing that got all those people voting. Just
kidding ... we think.
IF A SINGER STRIPS NAKED IN DALLAS AND NO ONE
NOTICES, DID IT REALLY HAPPEN? OK, so, some people — namely Dallas police — did
take notice when Erykah Badu got naked at the site of JFK's assassination for
her video "Window Seat." But the people she wanted to pay attention —
people who actually buy music — ignored her artistic statement, and her album.
WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE: Courteney Cox probably
wanted to turn into a real-life cougar and rip estranged hubby David Arquette
to shreds after he dished about their breakup to Howard Stern on what seemed
like a regular weekly appearance, oversharing a little bit more each time. For
the record, Arquette said: They had stopped having sex; he cried the first time
he had sex with another woman; he thinks Courtney may be getting some from
somewhere else; and he started drinking. We figure that last nugget must have started
a long time ago.
MOST UNNECESSARY TWEET OF THE YEAR: Ricky Martin's
announcement that he is, indeed, a gay man. Livin' La Vida-Duh!!!
FYI GEORGE, KANYE HAS PROVIDED FAR WORSE MOMENTS:
Besides hurting W's feelings, Kanye West had plenty of obnoxious moments in
2010, including berating Taylor Swift for not standing up for him after he
dissed her last year (huh?), tangling with Matt Lauer on "Today" and
that unfortunate Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade appearance (but we'll blame
Macy's for that one). Still, you can't be too mad at a guy who not only
acknowledges his boorish behavior, but also revels in it like on the song
"Runaway."
In fact, that could be the theme song for 2010:
Everybody now, together! "Let's have a toast to the scumbags ..."
Copyright 2010 The Associated Press.
(AP
Photo/Special Court for Sierra Leone, via APTN)
